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Summa Cum Laude - Latin for "With Highest Honors"
We are the students who routinely skip out on nights with friends because we have too much homework and too many commitments. We are the loveable nerds who answer questions first in class because we're the only ones who bothered to complete last night's reading. We strive relentlessly for perfect grades and become irritated when we see an "A-" edged in red ink on the top of our papers instead of an "A."
We are the valedictorians of the world; the summa
cum laude college graduates, the academic stars. Our teachers praise us, our parents can push us and our classmates LOVE to cheat off of us. We really, really believe that we can be anything, do anything in life if we just ace that test. We want to change the world. We want to "show them all."
We have a lot to prove ... mostly to ourselves.
I am here to tell you that even though accomplishment is great, and even
though awards feel good and look even better hanging up on the wall,
that the price we pay on our pursuit of perfection is high. I'm a summa
cum laude college graduate who spent four years of my life in pursuit
of perfection. The first paper I ever tackled for college was a personal
experience essay for my freshmen English class. I earned an "A+" from
a professor who considers an "A" top-notch work. He even showed off my
essay to his other classes.
I devoured his praise and announced my first achievement to my manager at a past retail job. He congratulated me but warned that college was MUCH harder than high school and that consistently getting perfect grades and graduating summa cum laude would be impossible. I took this as a personal challenge. At the end of the semester, I flashed my first report card under his nose: 3.94 out of 4.0.
In the beginning my quest to graduate summa cum
laude was fun, but each
semester became more challenging. After a few semesters, writing stopped
being fun as I could only equate it with pressure and deadlines. With
each perfect grade I earned, my childhood joy in written expression vanished.
I wanted to dance. Throw a football. Watch a movie, or get in a car and see the world instead of vicariously traveling through stacks of assigned books. Occasionally, I tossed my pen aside and went out, but these instances were rare, and I usually felt guilty about my abandoned pile of work growing with each passing second.
I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself. My parents didn't push me. My professors tried to tell me to lighten up and go have some fun, but I could only respond, "Stop dishing out so much work." I could only give it my all, or give nothing. I didn't know how to relax.
Everything collided my last semester of my senior year. I needed eighteen
credit hours to graduate on time, so I overloaded my schedule. At the
time, I had a cumulative grade point average of 3.9 and my sights were
set on (finally) graduating summa cum laude. Forget being grateful for the fact that I was going to be the first woman in my family to graduate from a four-year college - again, all I could think about was summa cum laude, summa cum laude!
The last week of college was my breaking point. I had polished so many papers and read so many books that I never had the chance to study for exams. I crammed for every one the night before and blew through them all until the last-History of American Women. It was my favorite class, but I didn't even read the book that was to comprise a huge portion of the exam.
I crammed all night, drove to school in a daze, and slumped in the nearest
seat in the exam room. I was nervous about this last exam because I was
so close to graduating summa cum laude - and I had to have it. Others had their awards for being more well rounded students, but I would possess this title I had made myself sick over for four years. Otherwise, I thought, it would all be for nothing.
Once in the exam room, I heard girls quizzing each other on their notes and I panicked. I whipped open my notebook and began trying to digest names, quotes, dates, and places until I realized that everything might as well have been written in ancient Greek. It was too late.
As my professor began passing out exam books, a lump rose in my throat and my eyes pooled with tears. Too late, it's just too late.
I bolted from my chair, ran to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall. After four long years, I completely broke down. Choking tears poured down my face soaking my shirt, my neck, my hair - my heartbeat pulsated, and I began gasping for air. I was terrified because I had never experienced a full-blown anxiety attack. I wanted to curl into a ball on the floor and never get up.
Eventually, I managed to calm down and wash my face. I stood before the mirror and watched a pale young woman stare back, accusing me for the hollow look in her eyes. I whispered, "I'm so sorry I did this to you." I went back to class and finished that exam.
I was done. FINALLY done.
While other college seniors celebrated the upcoming graduation weekend, I drove home and locked myself in my bedroom. Without any homework, there was nothing left to do. I watched all my favorite movies and stared at the ceiling.
When I stood at graduation, the speaker announced, "Maria L. Pascucci
- summa cum laude." That diploma with its tiny inscription publicly acknowledging my perfection had the last laugh. I worked so hard for it and it destroyed me; now I didn't even want it. I wasn't perfect, and I let my own quest for perfection destroy my health, my confidence and emotional well-being.
I didn't pick up a book or write a word for nearly a year after graduation. After my graduation party, my parents reproached me for not sending out thank-you notes. I responded that I couldn't pick up a pen to write them.
When I began searching for a job in my field, I realized that my college
diploma with the summa cum laude notation didn't impress employers much
and my lack of experience killed me. I was furious. I felt like the world
had let me down, when in reality, I had let myself down. I had worked
myself to the breaking point, and now society was telling me it still
wasn't good enough.
I thought that college had stripped my creativity forever, but a true writer can't stay away from her pen for long. Eventually, I wandered into libraries and checked out books I had come across in college but had never had the time to read. I began keeping a journal and recorded my triumphs and defeats. I landed a writing internship with an online teen magazine. I started to believe in my dreams.
It took me years after graduation to understand what perfectionism had done to my life. I remember a favorite professor's words: "Maria, you've got to calm down," she said. "You're going to burn out before your career even begins." She was right. I lived in the past for two years, pointing fingers at anything that had ever let me down. Then, I got sick of being angry and chose to move on.
Today, I'm an entrepreneur who writes from the heart for my own enjoyment and peace of mind. Perfectionism will always be a part of me, but never again will I allow it to usurp my life. I wish I could take that frantic college girl who suffocated her world in perfection and scream, "HAVE FUN." Another perfect grade isn't worth it. Make friends, do an internship in a field you enjoy, and experience the world outside the school's walls.
I can't go back and warn her, but I can warn others: Enjoy high school
and college, excel at what you're good at, but don't always demand the
absolute best. Put yourselves before your grades and look at the big
picture. Graduating summa cum laude is great but not if you lose yourself
in the process. When you stand at graduation, I hope you can accept your
diplomas with joy in your hearts and with pride for all your accomplishments,
knowing that you've succeeded and are ready to embrace the future. Sanity
in tact!
Check out my podcast here for tips
on how to graduate summa cum laude while still
enjoying your college experience.
The College Overachiever's Latin-to-English meltdown: :-)
Summa cum laude = "with highest honor"
Magna cum laude = "with great honor"
Cum laude = "with honor"
Sleep on it:
• Graduating summa
cum laude, magna cum laude, or cum
laude doesn't cause college student stress. You can still achieve excellence as long as you know how to manage stress effectively, adopt good time management strategies, and work on being good to yourself.
• Do you know why you want to graduate summa
cum laude? Is it to please
your parents and "show" the world or is it something you really want
to achieve for YOU?
Reader Responses to Summa Cum Laude & Valedictorian:
(last names were kept off to protect privacy)
"I am a junior in college majoring in biology/minor in chemistry on my way to graduating summa cum laude. I make myself sick if I receive anything less than an 'A' on tests. I put my entire self worth and identity into my academic accomplishments trying to prove to everyone that I am talented. I am an obsessive perfectionist when it comes to school. Your story really inspired me and I love your website."
~Shelly
"I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your piece "Summa Cum Laude & Valedictorian" on the Campus Calm website. During high school and my first year in college, I suffered some of the psychological damages from overstressing about everything, from academics to eating. I have been working to try to regain control over those aspects of my life, and your article helped to put some things into perspective. It is unfortunate that there are so many students who feel such immense pressure to be perfect at everything."
~Chris
"Maria,
I just read your article [Summa Cum Laude & Valedictorian: Are They Worth It?] and it was as if I wrote it myself. Your story exactly mirrors what I am currently doing to myself. Nothing is ever good enough, a 94% is disappointing. I always feel I should have done this.... or I could have done better, etc. I have gotten to the point that I am now taking medication to help with the anxiety. I don't know why I do it. I am sitting here afraid to complete this huge project worth 50% of my grade because I am afraid it won't be "good enough." Right now, I feel completely 100% burned out & fresh out of any creative ideas. Why? I have a 3.95 GPA & now I am terrified of "blowing it" AHAHAH. How can I give this up & not let it rule my life?"
~Carrie
"Dear Maria, I just read your story about whether it's worth it to chase the summa cum laude status. The story moved me. I too achieved that illusive 4.0, and in the end, I don't know if it was worth it. I gave up so much to be at the top and it was a lonely place to be. The many nights that I rejected offers to go out and make friends made me a loner. The people who wanted to hang out with me were only there to copy my homework or wanted me to tutor them. When I tell people I have a 4.0, people are impressed at this seemingly impossible achievement but I think it's quite over rated. I did it to prove to my parents that I was worthy of their admiration and love. I did it to prove that women can achieve the highest honors in a male dominated field (computer science). I also did it to prove to myself about my own self worth.
Today, I am happier reaching for goals that are motivated by happiness. My type A personality still makes me inclined to be perfect but I now know better how to strike a balance. I'm so glad you shared your summa cum laude experience with the world. You wrote the things that I could not express. I thought that all achievers just go through life achieving and never questioning but then when I did question, I realized that there were many unanswerable questions. They weren't as easy as the tests that I aced in school. Kudos for your achievement; sometimes all we summa cum laude graduates need to know is that we're not alone and we're not the only ones feeling this way. Thank you for that.
~Stephanie, summa cum laude college graduate, Drexel University
"Maria,
I found your article on the pursuit of perfection quite helpful and something that I can really relate to. During my law degree I worked myself to a stand still in an attempt to achieve a summa cum laude pass. After achieving this I was awarded a scholarship to study in the US. During my second semester in the US both my mind and body finally reached breaking point and I ended up in a mental health facility for two weeks. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I had apparently suffered a manic episode. This was the scariest thing I have ever endured and I was convinced that I was going to die. It's been 6 months since my diagnosis and I have had no re-occurring episodes. I think my breakdown could be attributed to pushing myself over the edge to achieve perfection in my studies after other aspects of my life were spinning completely out of control. So I am writing this to thank you for sharing your experience on line so that others can be enlightened and can hopefully escape having to learn things the hard way."
~Lisa
"Thanks for sharing your story, Maria. My name is Austin and I am a senior undergraduate at the University of California Santa Barbara, and I experienced something similar to what you described in being stressed out by perfectionism and trying to graduate summa cum laude. I think it is important for college students today to seriously evaluate where they find their self worth, and to question what is most important for them."
"
I just read your article on Summa Cum Laude. I just got home from my first night from the start of the fall semester. I also have a passion to be perfect, but not always am. We are always our worst critics aren't we! I have 5 classes and run my own construction business. I feel like my head's in a vise at times but seem to manage it all. I feel like when I'm out for the summer I am just wasting time. But I read your story and saw myself in it. How did you ever shake that feeling? I can't seem to."
~Darren
Summa Cum Laude Stress Tips from Our Anonymous Survey:
"Don't worry about things you can't control. All you can control is yourself. PS: Worrying can lead to an ulcer and those are no fun. True story."
Do you have a summa cum laude stress story that you'd like to share with the world? Don't worry - I don't have to include your full name. Email maria@campuscalm.com.
© 2008 Maria L. Pascucci / Campus Calm
About the author:
Maria Pascucci is the President of Campus Calm - the award-winning
online-community for today’s stressed-out students, and their parents and educators.
Download your Stress-Less Kit with 4 FREE gifts at www.campuscalm.com. A summa cum laude college graduate, Maria is also the President of the International Campus Calm University Student Association at CampusCalmU.com.
Want to reprint this article about Summa Cum Laude Stress in YOUR own website?
You can as long as the article remains complete and unaltered (including
the "about the author" info and link back to
www.campuscalm.com), and you send a copy of the summa cum laude page of your reprint to
maria@campuscalm.com. You're also welcome to use my photo
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