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Editor's note: As Campus Calm continues to expand in its international reach, I am receiving more and more emails from stressed-out high school and college students. These emails come in at all hours of the night, so I know that these students really need someone to reach out to. They connect with me and my own personal story of surviving academic stress and perfectionism. I am happy to help raise awareness of student stress and the need for proactive health. One particular niche of students who contact me on a regular basis are high-achieving perfectionist students who really want to know how I began the work of ditching my own inner perfectionist. I outline my story for these students in my new book, Campus Calm University, which was released in October 2008.
Due to the volume of emails that I receive from students, I have decided to launch a Spotlight Student Stress Q&A ask the expert column.
Students, parents and educators: E-mail maria@campuscalm.com if you have a question that you would like featured in my column. Last names will be kept off at your request to protect privacy, and students can remain completely anonymous if you choose. All I ask of students is that you send me your age and state of residence along with your question.
Featured Question:
Hi Maria,
I just wanted to write and thank you for the wonderful resource your website is. I'm a college student dealing with so many of the issues you talk about and I keep coming back to campuscalm to soothe my nerves.
I'm really struggling with trying not to be a perfectionist, and I really relate to your summa cum laude articles. I feel like since I have a 4.0 now, anything less than that would be giving up. I know it's not true, but I don't know how to act any other way. Part of me feels like it would just be a relief to get a B and not care; and then the other little devil on my shoulder just says- you could have done better.
So my question is: How do you set realistic goals? I feel like I spend all this time agonizing over things I shouldn't.
Anyway, thank you again and keep up what you're doing! It's a great help.
Morgan
Response by Maria Pascucci:
Hi Morgan,
Thanks so much for writing - I'm thrilled that Campus Calm and my stories have been able to help you! I'm trying to picture myself back in college, a stressed-out, straight-A student who believed that anything less than summa cum laude was failure. In my new book Campus Calm University, I talk about how if you've been an academic perfectionist your entire life, you're not going to just chill out overnight. There is no perfect way to ditch your inner perfectionist. It takes time, baby steps and a commitment to change your attitude. So let's get a few things straight first: It is healthy to strive for excellence. It is healthy to work hard and be proud of your commitment to reach your goals. But health and balance are also choices. It is not healthy to choose to sacrifice your health and well-being to achieve success. What does success mean? Does being happy and healthy make you successful?
You say that part of you would feel relieved to get a B and not care - well, if you were to receive a B or a C on an assignment, consider asking yourself if it was deserved. If you were out partying the night before a test, were sleep deprived and skipped breakfast, you probably weren't operating at your best in the exam room, correct? Or if you were so worried about acing the test that you couldn't sleep, you're not operating at your best either. If this is the case, it's probably a good idea to talk to a friend, family member or consider visiting your campus counseling center. A 4.0 is never worth losing sleep over.
However, if you're taking a class that's outside your comfort zone and you receive a B on a test that you honestly tried your best at, congratulate yourself for your willingness to try new things and improve as you go. Don't think about the four questions you missed that caused your grade to drop from an A to a B; think about all the questions you answered correctly and the new things you've learned in the process. Whether you have a GED or a PhD, finding the courage to take risks, making mistakes and learning from them are keys to a happy, successful and purposeful life.
But you asked me how you could go about setting realistic goals. It's important for students to pinpoint the triggers and mindsets that fuel academic stress. You can't find answers and set realistic goals until you ask yourself good questions. Consider answering the following questions for yourself, and remember that there are no wrong answers.
• I believe being educated means ______.
• I believe learning should be ______.
•
I will never sacrifice ____ while pursuing a higher education.
•
I believe grades measure ____. However, no letter grade could possibly measure ____.
• I believe an education is key to _______.
• I believe I am in charge of how I spend my time in school when I choose _______.
• I believe I am in charge of how I spend my personal time when I choose ________.
• My happiness and ability to define success reside within __________.
Focus on the small steps you can take today to hold yourself accountable to your goal to stress-out less about grades. When you're in class, make it an intention to shift the focus from "What do I need to do to ace the next test and keep my 4.0?" to "What is my professor talking about that's interesting? What questions does the material raise that I want to learn more about? How can I think of creative ways to learn more about subjects that interest me?" Instead of leafing through a dusty book in your library, can you conduct some primary research? Interview people who know more about the subject material you find interesting. Interview people who lead the types of lives you find fascinating. Find out what it really takes today to realize those grandiose dreams of tomorrow.
In the words of Joe Martin, one of my mentors, "Focus 5% on what to do and 95% on enjoying the process." Calculate the time you spend in any given day agonizing about grades. Make a list of all the positive things you could be thinking about instead if you were fully enjoying the college experience. Make it a goal to think more about the positives each day and less on the negatives. Slowly but surely, your attitude and your stress levels will change for the better.
You're in my thoughts!
Maria
Archive
Column Question:
Dear Maria Pascucci,
I am a struggling perfectionist who is near a breaking point. I am a freshman in high school with a senior in college mental attitude. I try to work myself to the bone so hard and now, if I do not get the highest grade possible, I feel so depressed and anxious and upset. It's awful.
Today, I got a geometry test back. I was studying hard the night before the test and mentally told myself I'd ace it! The highest I could get is a 105 (the teacher gave a 5 pt bonus) and guess what I got ... a 95! I felt awful when I saw the test grade. I might as well haven received a 68 on it and still felt so horrible. I pride myself on my academic achievements and when I don't get a 100, I feel like I've failed. I mean, how hard must I try to get a 100 on every singe test, quiz, and assignment.
My parents don't push me, but I feel pressured by my classmates. If I make one slip, go down a single point, people will say that I am losing my edge and stuff and start judging me. I get so mad when another person does better on a test that I studied harder for. I keep making resolutions to work harder, stay more organized, review more often, and so on. My current GPA is a 98.6 (rounding to a 99) and I'm 4th in a grade of 550 kids. I don't want to lose that. Finals are around the corner and I feel like I already have not studied enough and am doomed to not achieve my goals.
I tell myself that if I study hard enough, I can accomplish anything...but it costs so many different aspects of my life. I feel like I can't socialize as often (and I'm a friendly person) because I should be doing schoolwork. I talked to my guidance counselor (who isn't that great) and said that I just should take it easy. I can't just STOP and be ok. The thought of a 70 makes me shiver. I try to research different ways of acing tests and studying but then I realize that I could still get something wrong.
It's not my study habits that need adjusting--it's my perfectionism. I want to be happy every day (or a lot of days) rather than just vacations or summertime. My weekends are just extensions of my school weeks. Please help me.
Thank you so much,
Stressed in Washington D.C.
Response by Maria Pascucci:
Hi there Stressed in D.C.
Thank you so much for writing. The first thing I can tell you is that you're not alone. I understand what you're are going through and I know how awful and stressful the pursuit of perfection is. You're right--you can't just STOP and be OK. You need some help and you need some time for a little self-work. You say that your parents don't pressure you. You are lucky because many kids' parents do. Can you go to your parents with this? Can they help support you? If you feel like you can talk to them about the stress and pressure that you internalize and help them to understand how it really affects you, I encourage you to do so. You can print this letter and show it to your parents if you think that will help you open communication.
Also, your guidance counselor wasn't much help? Have you ever considered counseling outside of school? I have been to a counselor in the past and, in fact, I'm seeing one now to help me transition through a few things. My point is, there is no shame in counseling. I feel that it's a sign of great character to admit when we're struggling and make a choice to seek help with a goal of self-growth in mind. Would your parents be open to you going to counseling? I have a few counselors in the Campus Calm network who may be able to help me refer you to someone.
Now for my thoughts: BREATHE! :-) I wish that all high-achieving students could learn that your self-image isn't dependent on how much you accomplish in school or in life. You can't measure your self-worth by your GPA or class rank any more than you can measure it by the amount of money in your checking account or your title on your business card.
That was a hard lesson for me. I was THE smart one. I didn't know how to define myself if I wasn't getting perfect grades, winning awards or mapping out my future. I remember when I was in high school; my brother and I were coming home on the school bus (yes we didn't have our own cars back then in the 90s, can you believe it?). Anyway, we had just received our report cards and my brother wanted to hide his from Mom and Dad so he wouldn't get grounded for the weekend. He said to all our friends on the bus, "But I can't do that because Maria can't wait to run home and show Mommy her straight As." All the kids laughed at me and I was so pissed at my brother ... but he was right! My self-image was completely tied into that report card. Even though my parents knew there was more to me than the grades, I had yet to discover it.
Here's what I can tell you now: If you view your high school and college experience as a way to develop your unique skills and find out what makes YOU happy in life, and not just as a way to build your success portfolio, a grade becomes exactly what it's supposed to be: a measure of your knowledge in a particular subject-not a way to gauge your self-worth.
So my questions for you are as follows:
• Do you find that your self-identity is tied up with your grades? If so, read this article.
• What is your biggest fear about grades in general? What do you think will happen if you don't get straight-As across the board?
• When do you feel most engaged in school? When do you feel most happy and not stressed?
• Do you overextend yourself? How many extracurricular activities are you involved in? Do you take AP classes?
• What do you think would happen if you stopped comparing your success to your friends? Click here.
• What do you think the point of an education is?
• How do you define success? Is happiness success?
• Finally, what can you do to make time for self-care on a daily basis?
You obviously need a healthy outlet to help you manage your stress and perfectionism. That's where counseling can help because it certainly helped me. I also do Yoga and meditation and, trust me; it calms me down when I'm in an anxious state (and I can tell from your email that you're anxious because I've been there). My favorite Yoga/meditation comes in DVD form: Daily Dose of Dharma and AM/PM Yoga.
When you're anxious, take a few deep breaths and repeat a soothing word every time you exhale; for me it's the word "calm." ;-)
A 95 on a test is awesome and a 98.6 GPA is more than "good enough." Have you ever stopped to ask yourself will my life really be altered so much if I have a 95 GPA versus a 100? I'm not telling you to give up your pursuit of academic excellence, but perfectionism will not lead you to success and happiness. Trust me! It will lead you to depression and anxiety, but you already know this. You're an intelligent, self-reflective person. You just need some help changing some negative self-thoughts and limiting beliefs. You don't have to be perfect in order to be successful. And right now you owe it to you to give yourself a break and do some self-analysis before you spiral too far like I did.
Please let me know how I can help you further and again, I cannot emphasize enough how much it could help you to lean on your parents, a loved one or a professional counselor to help you get over this initial hump.
You're in my thoughts :-)
Maria
Student Update:
Hey Maria,
Just wanted to give you an update on how I'm doing this summer. My report card went really well and surprisingly I wasn't that stressed near crunch time for comprehensive exams (my school's name for final exams). We had six of these tests, each three hours. It was pretty brutal. I had a final GPA of 98.3% and I could not be more pleased (and I remained fourth in my grade).
BUT, I had a strange revelation staring at that little slip of paper that had my grades printed on it. I thought: Even if my average was lower or I didn't perform as well as I thought I did, I would still be a happy person and will still lead a great, fulfilling life. I continued to stare at my report card saying to myself: Wow, I spent from mid-November to late March in teenage depression over my grades...all for this final sheet of paper. Was it worth it?
I'm making a commitment to myself this sophomore year of high school to take care of myself EVERY DAY. I think I deserve it. This includes exercise and at least seven hours of sleep. Freshman year, I overloaded my schedule with extracurriculars that would impress college admins rather than interest me. I started writing in a journal every day or other day before bed. It really helps me vent, reflect, and figure out why something is bothering me, or why I acted in a way. I realized that freshman year, I tried to be a person who always wanted to fit in, always cared what others said about me, and was so selective of whom to be with. In reality, I'm not that kind of person. I love to be unique, different, and march to my own beat. Now, I truly don't care how people judge me because only my opinion of myself matters. I have accepted that I can't please everyone, but I can love myself. If I don't, then no one will.
Campuscalm.com is doing amazing. Your website is really blossoming into a resource for all stressed out students like me. I'm planning on telling my guidance counselor to recommend your website to other stressed out kids, too. Who knows, maybe a Campus Calm Connections club will form at my school.
That letter made my year! Students: I am here for you. If you're struggling, write in and we'll do our best to give you the advice you need to move forward.
Publishers: If you would like to run this column in your publication, contact Maria Pascucci here.
(c) 2008 Maria L. Pascucci / Campus Calm.
About the author:
Maria Pascucci is the President of Campus Calm - the award-winning online-community for today's stressed-out students, and their parents and educators. Download your Student Life Stress-Out Less Kit with 4 FREE gifts at www.campuscalm.com. A summa cum laude college graduate, Maria is also the President of the International Campus Calm University Student Association at CampusCalmU.com.
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