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Guided by misconceived notions that 'success' is achieved only through perfection, many demand of themselves the impossible: 100 percent in every life endeavor. Whether it is getting a 4.0 G.P.A. or being the 'ideal' body type,  several high school and college students believe that they are defined by what they achieve. Not who they are. Immense stress is often placed on being 'the best' - as determined by personal standards - even if it results in physical and psychological unhealthiness.
While there is nothing wrong with being hard working, there is a fine line between behaviors/thoughts that are self-beneficial and self-defeating. Miriam Adderholdt, a psychology instructor at Davidson Community College in Lexington, North Carolina, explains in her book Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good? that, "there's a difference between excellence and perfection." Excellence includes enjoying what you're learning, inside and outside of the classroom, and developing confidence. Perfection includes feeling like a failure for receiving a 98 and accentuating the negative over the positive, focusing on perceived mistakes instead of accomplishments.
A highly driven person, I have long battled with feelings of the need to be perfect. During high school and college, my Type A personality has deceived me on many levels - stubbornly demanding only 'the best.'
Upon graduation from high school, I received the most prestigious award given out. I felt as if my four years of exhaustive academic pursuit and extracurricular involvement had been well worth the late nights and overextended schedule. This recognition seemed like a huge accomplishment, especially when there were several other well-qualified classmates who also deserved the honor. Since I had set the standards high, I believed all subsequent achievements would have to 'measure up.'
But, then I was wait-listed at my dream college. And it seemed as if everything I had done in preparation was not good enough - I was not good enough. Why had I put forth so much effort? Why had I gotten sick over a 95 on a test or an A- on a paper? Although unhappy about the decision, I eventually chose to attend Canisius College, where, throughout my first semester, I still struggled to accept the fact that I had settled for what I considered inferior. Further disappointment resulted from an inability to do well in pre-medicine classes, which led to excessive partying. I convinced myself that I was a failure. And I didn't want to get out of bed.
Fed up with feeling sorry for myself, I was determined to do better second semester. I involved myself in a couple campus organizations and went on a service trip. Since I devoted more time to academics, I ended up getting a 4.0. Once again, I had set a personal standard.
Sophomore year, I wanted to do everything and succeed at everything. I took on a double major and double minor, worked four jobs (three on campus and one off campus), was president of a club and actively involved in several others. I had an internship and helped with the college's newspaper and literary magazine publications. On top of everything else, I trained for four months and then ran a marathon for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.
Feeling as if I needed to be more - more perfect - I limited the food I ate. A combination of extensive exercise and insufficient nutrition resulted in health problems, particularly hair loss. At first, I tried to deny it. Now, how would I ever live up to the standards I set for myself? Overwhelmed by feelings of incompetence, I suffered from depression and anxiety. I let one negative thing control my life, and it overshadowed everything positive.
Eventually, however, I had to confront the problem. Although I believed it displayed my own weakness, I saw a counselor on a regular basis, who helped me to work through feelings of self-worthlessness. I realized that in attempting to be perfect I couldn't even be myself, if I even knew who that was after all these years of perfectionism. I would have to once again establish who "Colleen" was, who "Colleen" need/wanted to be.
In a Q&A session featured in Maria Pascucci's recent book Campus Calm University, Hilary Silver, LCSW, Campus Calm's Mental Health Expert, relates that, "what you believe about yourself is what you offer up to the world." This will be all that others know about you. If you believe deep down that you are inferior, you will teach people to treat you as such.
While I am still trying to escape feelings of perfectionism, I realize that it will take time to silence the critical voice inside me. I can't just go from being an overachiever to not caring about anything. It is not my nature. Nor is it my wish. I do, however, try to harness negative thoughts, realizing that they will only prevent mental and emotional growth. If I get a 'low grade' on a paper, I ask myself whether I put forth my best effort. I recognize that there is room for improvement, which I now see as encouraging.
Currently, I am 'just' an English major with a Creative Writing minor. I still continue to be involved in publications and clubs at Canisius; however, it is not because I feel that I have to - that it will look good for grad school - but because I enjoy doing so. I am genuinely happy with my decisions, and that is all that matters.
My advice to others struggling with similar feelings would be to accept and take comfort in the fact that, in life, no one expects you to be perfect. In ten years - even next year - is it going to matter whether you got an A or a B in a class? What is the worst thing that is going to happen to you if you don't get an A? Are you parents going to disown you? Are you going to die? (a little extreme, I know!) How do you measure your worth? You're not going to be a student forever. When you are no longer defined as "the classmate who always got A's," then who are you going to be? You will most likely feel a loss of identity. Your worth should be based around something else, something much more significant.
Repeatedly tell yourself, "I have nothing to prove. I have nothing to prove to anyone - not even myself." It is my hope that, after awhile, you will find validity and freedom in these simple words.
About the author:
Maria Pascucci is the President of Campus Calm –
the international online-community for today's stressed-out students, and
their parents and educators. Download your Stress-Out Less Kit with 4 FREE
gifts at www.campuscalm.com.
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