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"Don't just lower your expectations. If you truly want to live a joyous and adventurous life, you should relinquish them."
~ Sarah Ban Breathnach
I started a new trend five years ago on New Year's Eve, which also happened to be my 24th birthday.
Instead of writing a rigid list of resolutions that day, I started writing myself annual thank you notes, highlighting all my accomplishments, big and small, from the previous year. When I take the time to write down everything I achieved, I'm usually in awe by what I've learned and how much I've grown. I realize how much I have to be grateful for.
But I didn't always feel that way.
"Could you please close your office door," I whispered to my college career counselor in 2001. I was a new college graduate with twenty-two years of self-imposed pressure and expectations bubbling to the surface. Behind closed doors, I spilled my big, fat, ugly secret.
"I'm not good enough," I wailed to my poor counselor, my head hanging in shame. Then the floodgates opened. "I worked so hard for so many years and I can't do it anymore, I'm supposed to be a writer but I can't write, I can't sleep, my stomach hurts, I can't stop crying, I feel depressed, I needed 18 credit hours to graduate on time so I overloaded my schedule to complete a double major and a minor; I worked part-time on campus, worked part-time off campus, all to graduate summa cum laude and now that I have, I feel ... empty."
Empty.
I felt my shoulders drop as the word escaped my lips. Depleted. Right when my career was supposed to be beginning, I was a 22-year-old ready for retirement.
***
"I'm going to be a writer someday when I grow up," I used to tell any adult who would listen, my thick brown ponytails bobbing with my bursts of excitement. I wanted to be Lois Lane, ace reporter in sexy skirts and svelte stilettos. She took big risks because - after all - Superman always swooped in to catch her when she fell from the stars.
When I walked across that spot-lit stage in 2001 with tears in my eyes and accepted my summa cum laude college diploma, I realized that the world considered me a grown-up whether I felt like one or not. I had to (RIGHT NOW) make or break my dreams. And I didn't think I could measure up to what that little girl envisioned while sitting on a porch stoop with her favorite red notebook in hand. It's so much easier to dream of Lois Lane than to actually fly in her shoes.
Besides, I never watched Lois Lane battle writer's block, depression, insomnia, anxiety and chronic stomachaches. At my graduation, the only words I really heard were the ones echoing from deep inside my soul: You're not a writer - you fake. You'll never be good enough. You'll never take that risk. Coward. You with the perfect grades. It means nothing. You're nothing.
A psychologist once told me that a perfectionist might have to hit a wall in order to make a personal choice to cut herself some slack. I hit mine walking across that stage. FINALLY. Plowed right into it with my little perfect existence. I decided that perhaps it was time I tried to get to know the young woman I'd become instead of chastising myself for the woman I wasn't.
I started working through my rigid expectations through journaling and with the help of a counselor. We talked about how I was really failing no one but myself by never trying new things for fear of making mistakes. My counselor suggested that I try yoga to soothe my anxiety. She said that I needed to practice mindfulness. I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Whatever, my mind is working ALL the time." What my counselor meant was that I was spending so much time always thinking that I never stopped to look around and appreciate what was right in front of me.
I bought yoga DVDs and was surprised by how different they made me feel in comparison to the cardio dance videos I'd been sweating to for years. Yoga taught me how to center in the present and express gratitude for all the ways my body and my mind serve me, today. There's nothing like sitting cross-legged on a yoga mat, eyes closed, hands stretched to the heavens, chanting, "I am revitalized, I am uplifted and empowered," to change your mindset about life! I mean, what's a padded resume and portfolio packed with accomplishments if I wasn't uplifted and empowered, not to mention happy?
***
I leapt off a lofty cliff not too long ago and decided to live my dream of becoming a writer. My first step involved joining professional organizations like The National Association of Women Writers and The Association of Web Entrepreneurs. Through those associations, I found an online community eager to teach me how to leverage my passion and life experiences in a way to help others and make money. They also taught me how to be ok with making many business mistakes, learn from them and try again and again. I'm discovering that there's no room for perfection when you're an entrepreneur!
I launched CampusCalm.com in 2007 - an international online-forum for students and twenty-somethings who are looking for tips on how to become stress-resistant and carve out their own definitions of success and happiness. I'm learning how to write all over again just for fun. I'm healing myself in the process.
Even though Campus Calm has celebrated many successes for such a young company, a few loved ones just don't "get it."
"Who does Maria think she is?" a relative recently remarked to my husband, Shaun. "Why can't she just go to work like the rest of us and deal with it?" To which my husband replied, "Everyone in our families hates their jobs. I'm proud of Maria for having the courage to choose something different when people like you constantly try to cut her down." Forget flowers. Forget chocolate; those words were the most romantic gift my husband ever gave me.
I realize now that I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations. I know that as long as I follow my heart, I'm doing my education proud. And more importantly, I'm doing myself proud.
A twenty-something recently asked me, "I can be anything I want so how do I choose?" For New Year's '09, I think I'll send myself this thank you note:
"Thank you for accepting your more-than-good-enough self and being happy with that."
Love,
Me.
:-)
About the author:
Maria Pascucci is the President of Campus Calm –
the award-winning online-forum for today's stressed-out students, and their parents, and educators. Download your FREE Student Life Stess-Less Kit at www.campuscalm.com.
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