 |
Campus Calm
had the opportunity to chat with Christine Hassler, our new 20-Something
Crisis Survival Expert,
about Expectation Hangovers™ & Surviving
Your Quarter-Life Crisis. Christine Hassler left her successful job as
a Hollywood agent at 25 to pursue a life she could be passionate about.
But, it did not come easily. After being inspired by her own unexpected
challenges and experiences, she realized her journey was indeed her destination.
In 2005, she wrote the first guide book written exclusively for young
women, entitled 20-Something,
20-Everything: A Quarter-life Woman's Guide to Balance and Direction (New
World Library).
Today, she supports both men and women in discovering the answers to
the questions: "Who Am I, What do I want, and How do I get it?" Christine
is a Life Coach with a counseling emphasis specializing in relationships,
career, and self-identity. Her expertise is centered on the twenty something
years of life. Click here to learn more about Christine or visit her
website here.
Campus Calm:
We are so busy designing our lives around others' expectations that we never
take time to discover what we truly want. Can you further explain this
and discuss how we can take active steps to discover what we truly want
out of life?
Christine: The first thing that is important to do is some self-investigation.
I think every twenty-something should read books and get some kind of
coaching or counseling. It really is an investment in time and money
that you make for yourself.
The second step is discerning expectations. One of the exercises in
my book that I advise readers to do is make a list of all your expectations.
Then wait at least four hours, or maybe a day later, and go back to
that list. Start to look at which expectations truly belong to you.
Circle the ones that don't. Maybe you don't want to be a lawyer; maybe
you don't want to get married; maybe you don't even want a big, huge
career. Investigate whether or not your expectations belong to you
or to someone else.
Campus Calm: How can we develop a life plan while at the same time leaving room
for spontaneity so our lives aren't completely mapped out?
 Christine: I don't believe in life plans. We can set goals and have visions of
what we want our lives to look like. We can also set intentions for
our lives like the intention to be a happy person or to give back to
others. However, we can't plan our entire lives out. It's impossible.
Campus Calm: Can you discuss what the "should" epidemic is and how this leads to feelings of confusion and anxiety among so many young women?
Christine: Young people have grown up hearing "you should" way too much. We're all in the habit of advice giving - whether it be our parents, or professors or our peers. We LOVE to give each other advice and in that advice comes a lot of "you shoulds."
You have to look at who's "you shoulding" you. Take into account that they may not be objective. A lot of times older people will give younger people advice based on what they wish they had done that may not be right for someone else.
The other thing that factors into the "should" epidemic is that we
are constantly bombarded by messages - on our computer, driving around
and seeing billboards, watching TV, listening to the radio or overhearing
conversations. Messages that tell us "You should look this way;" "You
should be in this relationship;" and "You should make this amount of
money." It's become part of our culture. Too often, we operate by what
we should do rather than by what we're called to do or what is right
for us.
Campus Calm: How can young women find success and happiness and can you have one without the other?
Christine: First, how can young women
find success and happiness: By not looking out. The key to success
and happiness is that it's internally motivated. Believe me, I had
it all. The millennial year I was the most successful, youngest agent
ever. I spent the millennium with George Clooney; I was making money,
I looked great, and I had it all. Who wouldn't want that life?
But I miserable. I was miserable because happiness and success, when it's based
on external things, is elusive.
If your happiness is dependent on your job, or your relationship, or your size,
you're going to cling to that like glue because your happiness might slip through
your fingers. It has to come from within because otherwise you're constantly
going to be stressed out fearing losing the thing that you think defines your
happiness or your success.
Campus Calm: Can you have one without the other?
Christine: I truly believe that when you're a happy person you're successful. That defines success. Being happy in this day and age is a tall order. It really isn't easy. There's plenty of prescription drugs out there advertised to make us happy. If you can be happy just being who you are and by the way you live your life, then you're wildly successful in my opinion.
Campus Calm: How can young women free themselves from the perfection trap of having to have the perfect academic career, the perfect boyfriend; the perfect looks and later, the perfect career, perfect husband, and be the perfect mother. It sounds exhausting.
Christine: Yes, it is exhausting. You have to develop the attitude of "Who cares?" It sounds silly and flip and I'm not trying to be flip. You really have to stop clinging to those things. Who cares if I don't have this, this or this? As long as I have me and I'm happy, none of that other stuff matters. Trying to maintain perfection is stressful.
Campus Calm: I remember when I first graduated from college I went on some job interviews for entry-level writing positions. Some of the positions didn't feel right to me so I turned them down. But I was thinking about how I "should" want them, what my family and my fiance's family would think about me not wanting those opportunities and then I would start feeling guilty, like there was something wrong with me. Now I listen to my intuition about something and when I find myself starting to feel guilty about a decision I made, I know the "shoulds" are creeping up so it's time to do some soul-searching. Wouldn't you say that following your own path in life gets easier once you give yourself permission to do it and that it just takes practice?
Christine: Absolutely, intuition is just like a muscle. As babies, we have very strong intuition. Then life happens and our brains start to get programmed and we get intuition atrophy. We have to start working it and the earlier we start working it, the better.
Campus Calm: So what's the expectation hangover™?
Christine: Expectation hangover™ is a term I trademarked that is used to describe the feelings of disappointment that I felt and so many twenty-somethings that I talked to felt. You have an expectation and when it doesn't happen that way, you're totally depressed. It's like the symptoms of a hangover. You lack motivation and you just want to isolate yourself, you're spinning in confusion. You're living in the past, just like a hangover, saying, "Why did I have that last tequila shot?"
Expectation hangover™ also relates to something unexpected coming our way and developing those hangover symptoms. I had that when my ex-finance broke up with me unexpectedly. That was a major hangover from what I thought my life was going to turn out like.
Campus Calm: If you could be the face on a billboard that every twenty-something sees on her drive into work each morning, what are a few things you would tell her about life?
Christine: It's OK. Give yourself time now. Slow down. This would be a long billboard. Really practice being kind to yourself. Fall in love with yourself now before you fall in love with careers, a spouse or children.
Campus Calm: You wrote, "Modern day feminism supports the idea that a woman can and should have anything she wants. But if feminism really is about women having choices, we should give ourselves the option to choose what we want and let go of what others expect." I thought that was such a powerful statement.
When I first graduated from college and couldn't find a job, I remember visiting
my favorite professor and unloading on him all my "Expectation Hangovers™." I
was engaged to my now husband and my professor said to me, "Why don't
you just have fun planning your wedding right now and let the career stuff fall
into place later?" I responded, "Because I have four years of women's studies
classes screaming at me, 'Don't you dare become a house wife.'" My professor
laughed so hard he almost choked. Do you think our generation of feminists needs
to hear more about balance alongside messages of "you can do it all?"
Christine: Well, I don't believe in "you can do
it all" or "balance." I believe in creating balance as balance is about choices.
Too many women have confused balance with doing everything and just dividing
up your time. You can't put equal time into a full time career and a full time
marriage and being a full time mother. You have to make choices along the way
of what is going to get more time, what is going to get more quality time. If
you are someone who wants it all, that's going to be really hard because you're
going to be pulled in so many different directions. Instead of having it all,
what does "it all" mean to you? What are the choices you're going to make and
what's going to be most important to you?
Campus Calm: How can we stop being so self-absorbed and isn't it such a relief when you finally stop the insanity?
Christine: Yes, it is a relief. The definition
of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different
result. I think it's critical for everyone to donate their time, their resources,
volunteer, get involved in something that's close to your heart, be connected
to other people. Making a difference in the world doesn't mean you have to make
the Al Gore kind of difference in the world. You don't have to be grandiose.
Doing little things on a daily basis is how you make a difference in the world.
Campus Calm: Can you explain how the comparison game contributes to young women feeling "not good enough" and how it actually limits our growth and prevents us from strengthening our own sense of self-worth?
Christine: When women don't support other women that's not supporting feminism. Women have a tendency to compare themselves to other women and compete rather than support. When you compare yourself to other women you're doing two things that are undesirable. One: you're putting yourself down or inflating your own ego. Second: you're not celebrating another woman's success or happiness. If we all want to be happier or more abundant in our own lives then we have to celebrate the lives of others who are doing that. There are enough jobs, money, guys and children to go around. We don't need to compete. Competition is very angry energy and it keeps us from discovering our own passions and desires.
Campus Calm: Can you explain why the words "passion" and "dream job" are dangerous to our level of work satisfaction in our twenties?
Christine: For anyone who is questioning the word "passion," look
it up in the dictionary. The original definition of passion is suffering. Words
carry energy. If we're constantly saying, "I want to find my passion," in some
ways, we're saying, "I want to find my suffering." That's why so many of us are
suffering trying to find our passion.
It's a myth that all of us are born with this deep burning desire. I can say
that I have a job that I really love, but I got really clear when I was going
through the darkest phase of my life, on how to generate happiness from within.
It's important to have a job that you really enjoy, that gives you a good quality
of life, where you work with great people and where you have freedom. In terms
of the things that really light you up, those are the things that happen outside
the office.
Campus Calm: Is there anything you'd like to add?
Christine: If people have questions or concerns, or they're confused, I do coaching by phone. My last tip concerning work is do a lot of information interviews with people in all kinds of fields. You're not asking them for a job - it's strictly for information gathering purposes. As long as it comes from a place of learning and not expectations, many professionals respond favorably and really want to help you.
Check out Christine Hassler's monthly tips as our 20-Something Crisis Survival
Expert
here.
© 2007 Maria L. Pascucci / Campus Calm.
About the author:
Maria Pascucci is the President of Campus Calm - the
award-winning website for today's stressed-out students, parents
and educators. Download your Stress-Less Kit with 4 FREE gifts at www.campuscalm.com.
Want to reprint this article in YOUR own website?
You can as long as the article remains complete and unaltered (including
the "about the author" info and link back to
www.campuscalm.com), and you send a copy of your reprint to
maria@campuscalm.com. You're also welcome to use my photo here.
Back to Free Articles
page
|
 |
