Difficult Teachers: How to Deal
By Barbara McRae, MCC

Most teachers chose their field because they really wanted to make a difference in the lives of children. The best not only want kids to learn their lessons and complete their homework, they also want to contribute to their students’ future success. But there is so much more going on at school behind the grades on the report card.

When hearing complaints from kids, parents often fall into one of two camps: either they automatically take their kid’s side or that of the teacher. Follow these tips instead.

Get the Entire Story
There are always two sides. Use your parent coach communication tools to get at what really happened. To do this well, remember to stay calm to keep from over-reacting. It will help you to distinguish between what’s the teacher’s responsibility and what is the responsibility of your child.

Focus on the Solution
Determine whether this situation is one that your child can handle with your guidance or if you need to get directly involved. Keep in mind that in most interactions each person contributes to the situation.

Develop a Game Plan
Whether your child feels ready to handle the situation or he or she wants you to be an advocate, plan your approach together. It strengthens your relationship and provides a valuable learning opportunity for how to handle difficult people they’re likely to encounter.

During this process you can help your kids cultivate better relationships with all of their educators. They appreciate it when their students…

~ are prepared for class by having completed their assignment and show their interest in the subject by asking well thought out questions

~ are polite, respectful and show their appreciation. Teachers rarely get recognized for the long hours they spend in the classroom and at home correcting papers

~ ask them for their advice on how to do even better in class; then apply it going forward

On the other hand, some teachers turn their students off. They are quick to point out mistakes and even harp on them. When feedback fails to be constructive, a student’s level of confidence will wane. In extreme cases, some teachers repeatedly ridicule certain kids in their classes.

We’ve heard quite a few stories in the news lately, instances when a teacher really crossed the line with one of their students, and the outrage was felt across the country.

If you’ll be talking with the teacher, guidance counselor and/or principal, here are some things you can do to prepare for your meeting.

Review your Talking Points
Describe the situation based on the information you currently have from your child’s viewpoint. Don’t bring up any rumors about what might have happened to other classmates. If you believe other kids are experiencing similar situations, network with their parents and encourage them to bring it to the teacher or to the school’s attention.

Show up with an Open Mind and be Respectful
Be willing to listen to another viewpoint and make reasonable requests. Use a professional tone. If you feel that the meeting isn’t going well, refuse to get into a shouting match. Terminate the meeting to reassess your next step.

Keep a Log
If your teen is doing all he or she can but continues to have problems with the teacher, record the facts and date of each incident. You will need these records to prove that the problem is ongoing and that it has not improved. It will also make it easier to remember the exact details
of each incident if you write it all down right after it happens.

Take it to the Next Level, if Necessary
If you’re still lacking a satisfactory solution, get the principal involved. If the teacher’s behavior crosses the line into abuse get help right away. Hitting, swearing, ridiculing, and bullying students should not be tolerated. Immediately go to the principal. No student should be in
danger at school.

Dealing with difficult people is part of life. How you handle this situation and yourself can prepare your son or daughter for adult life. In the end, your teen will come out stronger on the other side of it.

My best,
Barbara

Barbara McRae, MCC
Teen Parenting Expert, Campus Calm

© Barbara McRae

Difficult Teachers: How to Deal
By Barbara McRae, MCC

Most teachers chose their field because they really wanted to make a difference in the lives of children. The best not only want kids to learn their lessons and complete their homework, they also want to contribute to their students’ future success. But there is so much more going on at school behind the grades on the report card.

When hearing complaints from kids, parents often fall into one of two camps: either they automatically take their kid’s side or that of the teacher. Follow these tips instead.

Get the Entire Story
There are always two sides. Use your parent coach communication tools to get at what really happened. To do this well, remember to stay calm to keep from over-reacting. It will help you to distinguish between what’s the teacher’s responsibility and what is the responsibility of your child.

Focus on the Solution
Determine whether this situation is one that your child can handle with your guidance or if you need to get directly involved. Keep in mind that in most interactions each person contributes to the situation.

Develop a Game Plan
Whether your child feels ready to handle the situation or he or she wants you to be an advocate, plan your approach together. It strengthens your relationship and provides a valuable learning opportunity for how to handle difficult people they’re likely to encounter.

During this process you can help your kids cultivate better relationships with all of their educators. They appreciate it when their students…

~ are prepared for class by having completed their assignment and show their interest in the subject by asking well thought out questions

~ are polite, respectful and show their appreciation. Teachers rarely get recognized for the long hours they spend in the classroom and at home correcting papers

~ ask them for their advice on how to do even better in class; then apply it going forward

On the other hand, some teachers turn their students off. They are quick to point out mistakes and even harp on them. When feedback fails to be constructive, a student’s level of confidence will wane. In extreme cases, some teachers repeatedly ridicule certain kids in their classes.

We’ve heard quite a few stories in the news lately, instances when a teacher really crossed the line with one of their students, and the outrage was felt across the country.

If you’ll be talking with the teacher, guidance counselor and/or principal, here are some things you can do to prepare for your meeting.

Review your Talking Points
Describe the situation based on the information you currently have from your child’s viewpoint. Don’t bring up any rumors about what might have happened to other classmates. If you believe other kids are experiencing similar situations, network with their parents and encourage them to bring it to the teacher or to the school’s attention.

Show up with an Open Mind and be Respectful
Be willing to listen to another viewpoint and make reasonable requests. Use a professional tone. If you feel that the meeting isn’t going well, refuse to get into a shouting match. Terminate the meeting to reassess your next step.

Keep a Log
If your teen is doing all he or she can but continues to have problems with the teacher, record the facts and date of each incident. You will need these records to prove that the problem is ongoing and that it has not improved. It will also make it easier to remember the exact details of each incident if you write it all down right after it happens.

Take it to the Next Level, if Necessary
If you’re still lacking a satisfactory solution, get the principal involved. If the teacher’s behavior crosses the line into abuse get help right away. Hitting, swearing, ridiculing, and bullying students should not be tolerated. Immediately go to the principal. No student should be in danger at school.

Dealing with difficult people is part of life. How you handle this situation and yourself can prepare your son or daughter for adult life. In the end, your teen will come out stronger on the other side of it.

My best,
Barbara

Barbara McRae, MCC
Teen Parenting Expert, Campus Calm

© Barbara McRae

Instructions that Lead to Success
By Barbara McRae, MCC

As parents with teens, don’t you get frustrated when you think you have the right words, but your kids stare at you blankly? Or even worse, they say OK but then don’t perform the task in the way you were hoping for …

Whether you’re trying to get your preteen or teenager to rinse the dishes or wash the car to your satisfaction, you can get better results when you communicate clearly. To do this well, you’ll need to first identify the current level of your child’s ability to perform the task. Ask yourself the following question:

A. Has he/she done this task well enough before? Yes.

If YES, then specifically mention what was done successfully in the past and express your confidence in his/her ability to do it again.

If the answer is yes BUT you detect an attitude of not wanting to do the task, then you’ll need to emphasize why you’re counting on him or her to do it. If the attitude persists, make sure your tone transmits empathy to draw out the underlying issues and trouble-shoot together.

B. Has he/she done this task well enough before? No.

If NO, your son or daughter has not yet done the task the way you’d like it done, then you’ll need to take the time to clearly outline the how-to’s. The challenge here is to stay positive while methodically going through the steps in order to get your standards met.

Afterwards check for understanding before you turn the task over to your child. This means, pretend you don’t know how to do the task, and have your teenager show you. This is an effective way to catch potential trouble-spots (i.e. you’ve forgotten to give enough information or your child wasn’t listening carefully enough to your instructions.)

Keep in mind that if you don’t communicate clearly, the chances are high something will get messed-up again. You’ll also want to follow up after the task has been completed to offer your thanks and/or provide further guidance.

Now some of you might be thinking that this sounds like it would take a lot of time and you could be right. Let’s compare taking a little extra time to ensuring your young person will learn to do a good job vs. abruptly requesting a task be done without providing adequate information. Is having the task done successfully now (and in the future) worth spending a little extra time upfront? I think so.

Also, if you’re short with your children, they are more likely to assume that you think they’re stupid for not already understanding what you meant. In that case, they’re more likely to live up to your low expectations of them. Better to view this situation as a teaching moment rather than an annoyance.

How to communicate effectively:

1. Make sure you have all the information you need. Know your standards. Are they realistic? Then, break the task down into specific pieces or stages. Thinking through the instructions ahead of time will help you be clear and concise.

2. Determine whether you’ve seen your son or daughter do the task well. Yes or No? If yes, have your child do the task and express your appreciation. Once a person knows how and does it consistently well, you can even be open to innovative ideas for doing the task in the future.

3. Be willing to teach. If your child has never done the task or is still struggling, be patient, give step-by-step direction, and ask probing questions to see where you can be of assistance during his/her learning curve. Acknowledge progress. Don’t just focus on the short-comings.

Each child has their own unique needs. If you know your child’s natural learning styles: visual, auditory, or kinesthetic (hands-on), incorporate them to aid getting your point across.

You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much easier it will be to speak clearly and effectively now that you have the tools to attain positive results.

My best,
Barbara

~ Barbara McRae, Teen Parenting Expert, Campus Calm

Challenging Kids - What Works, What Doesn’t
By Barbara McRae, MCC

Not surprisingly, parents usually contact me for help when they’re dealing with challenging teenagers. The complaints revolve around: being disrespectful, not abiding by the household rules, refusing to apply themselves at school, fighting with siblings or classmates and getting in trouble with the law.

The Problem-Focused Approach

Often parents wait to contact me until they’ve applied the usual ineffective and perhaps even counterproductive methods, (nagging, grounding, screaming or worse.) By this time these kids have been labeled difficult and disruptive; at this stage, you can be sure that they will live up to this negative image. I call this a Problem-Focused Approach. When your attention is focused on the problem, it will expand! But it won’t SOLVE the problem; it usually makes matters worse.

Some parents argue, “But it worked on me when I was growing up!” OK, that’s possible. And what does that have to do with your current situation at hand with your challenging kid? Absolutely nothing! Why? We are all different. What works with one child doesn’t with another one. What worked in one generation doesn’t cut it with the next one. Insisting that a certain parenting method work for everyone doesn’t make much sense, does it?

Most parents are very aware when a parenting strategy works or when it doesn’t. So, why do some parents continue to employ a traditional strategy that obviously isn’t addressing the difficulty at hand? Two reasons: (1) The strategy is repeated because it has become habit; (2) Parents don’t take the time (or don’t know how) to discover the underlying factors that contribute to the child’s difficult behavior.

Alright, so what can you do instead?

The Solution-Centric Approach

This practical and collaborative alternative is supported by the neurosciences and is based on the premise that “kids can do well IF they know HOW in a specific situation.” Now some of you might not like what I’m going to say next. What I’m suggesting is that interpreting a child’s behavior as belligerent, bratty, manipulative, or controlling is simply an assumption, a viewpoint. It might appear this way on the surface; but what is probably truer is that this kid is lacking the skills to behave collaboratively.

When you understand that difficult behaviors show up when an underlying, unsolved problem has been festering, then you can get to the root of the issue and get it resolved. Kids are generally not equipped to do this for themselves, so they “act out” instead. It’s really a cry for help. It’s up to the parent, the wise leader, to recognize what’s needed (or get help).

With a Solution-Centric Approach you emphasize the behavior you want to cultivate and teach your kids by example. Specifically, I’m referring to the time-tested Parent Coach collaborative communication steps found in my eBook Getting Your Ducks in a Row (or the complete book with specific examples in Coach Your Teen to Success.) This approach helps you explore what’s beneath the surface, listen to your nearly adult child’s concerns, and together work toward a satisfactory resolution.

Using these tools will help you to dramatically improve your interactions with your teenagers. These tools are now also being introduced to teachers to help transform the classroom. Change is achievable when you recognize that you can impact behavior by utilizing collaborative tools.

If you’re someone who benefits from having additional guidance for yourself or your teenager, or if you would like an accountability partner to help keep you on track as you develop your new skills, feel free to contact us or take a look at the sample of Coach Your Teen to Success facilitators that are featured at www.teenfrontier.com.

Best-

Barbara

Barbara McRae, MCC
Teen Parenting Expert, Campus Calm

© Barbara McRae

How to Reach Your Teen’s Heart
By Barbara McRae, MCC

How would you rate your relationship with your teen daughter or son? If you are unsure, or you want to double check your answer, imagine hearing the sounds of your teen entering your house. Now ask yourself this question: How do I react when I hear my teen coming home?

Your honest answer will instantly reveal what’s really going on for you. Do you feel relieved and happy that your child is home or do you sigh as your stomach tightens? If it’s the latter, it’s time to stop pretending that everything is OK and begin to take an inventory. Instead of listing all of the things that are annoying you, pay attention to all the things that are going well.

Granted this could be a short list as parents experience changes in their children, at the preteen stage, when kids are programmed to begin carving out their self-identity. I often hear, “Before my children started middle school, we rarely argued about anything. Now we seem to go head-to-head every week.” Teens will question you, try on different view points, and assert their independence. Parents often wonder what happened to their lovable kid! He or she is still in there. Believe it or not, this too shall pass.

In the meantime, you can minimize the number of conflicts you have by identifying the areas where you can agree and place your attention there. This will increase your connection. Establishing a heart-to-heart connection is critical as your parent-teen relationship evolves. Here’s how:

1. Make a Heart Connection.
It’s all in the connection. Thinking positive thoughts about your teen, helps you get into a natural state of rapport. You know you have rapport when you feel peaceful and conversations are a breeze. Without rapport, the relationship suffers. Find something you both enjoy talking about or doing together. Keep the connection alive.

2. Be Willing to Dance.
As a child strives for self-identity there will naturally exit a push and pull between parent and teen; adjust your style accordingly. Be flexible. Sometimes your teen will act like she’s 30 years old and at other times it feels like she’s only three. Your teen often feels just as bewildered as you.

3. Cultivate Curiosity.
Listen to what your teen wants to talk about. Let it be about him, not you. Have him tell you “his story” without interrupting. Pretend you are listening to the smartest person you know and you don’t want to miss a word!

4. Communicate Respectfully.
Demonstrate empathy and refrain from freely dispensing advice. When your communication becomes a one-sided lecture, it usually gets tuned out. Get more information before you say anything. Manage your feelings. Take deep breaths if you have to.

5. Show your Appreciation.
Every child was born with special attributes. Know what they are for your teen and comment on these daily. Go beyond her performance. Say, I really appreciate ________ about you. Make it specific and personal. Be real. Teens know when you’re not authentic.

6. Spend Quality and Quantity Time.
Schedule a weekly date with your teen. Often parents believe that teens need less from them than young children. Not true. Teens need for parents to stay connected with them so that they can feel their parents’ love.

7. Help Teens Solve their Problems.
Let them talk through their concerns and options. Let go of the “fix it” mentality. It’s been said that if you carry a person long enough, eventually his legs will stop working. Empower teens to find their own way with you, as their gentle guide.

Whether you want to change your relationship with your teen from “bad” to “good” or from “good” to “great,” it begins with you. You are the parent, the leader, the coach! Connection produces a foundation of mutual trust and respect so that you can show genuine concern for your teen’s welfare and future. In doing so, you’ll create a powerful bond that lasts a lifetime!

My best,
Barbara
Barbara McRae, MCC
Teen Parenting Expert, Campus Calm

© Barbara McRae

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Barbara McRae, MCC is a nationally known parent/teen expert, bestselling author, host of Bridging the GAP Radio Show, and founder of www.TeenFrontier.com. She is passionate about easing stress and enhancing parent-teen relationships. Her unique teen advice parenting approach regularly appears online, in print, and in the media. Barbara’s licensed facilitators deliver Coach Your Teen to Success ™, Coach Your STUDENT to Success™ and the Study of YOU™ programs internationally.