Top 6 Ways to Inhibit Communication
By Barbara McRae, MCC

It’s been said that what you say is not nearly as important as how you make people feel. Others intuitively know whether you value or discount them. Below are the top six ways that inhibit meaningful communication with others (family, friends, coworkers or teenagers).

As you review this list, ask yourself, “To what extent do I inhibit or encourage communication?”

Communication is inhibited when you CONTROL:

Interrupt
Finish another’s sentences
Change the subject (diversion)

The negative message the receiver gets is:
“I can’t participate in the conversation.”

Communication is inhibited when you use a GUILT strategy:

Avoid authenticity (you’re in denial)
Distort emotions (you become the martyr)
Care only about yourself; you ignore the other person’s
feelings

The negative message the receiver gets is:
“I feel manipulated.”

Communication is inhibited when you become AMBIVALENT:

Give mixed messages
Ignore your feelings (passive)
Continue to do tasks while a person is speaking with you

The negative message the receiver gets is:
“You don’t care!”

Communication is inhibited when you MAKE others WRONG:

Refuse to take another’s point of view into account
Attacks, sarcasm, putdowns
Blames, use of condemning language

The negative message the receiver gets is:
“I feel judged.”

Communication is inhibited when you appear ALL KNOWING:

Have all the answers, lectures, advises
Make assumptions; defensive
Monopolizes the conversation (closed mind)

The negative message the receiver gets is:
“You’re not flexible.”

Communication is inhibited when you ACT SUPERIOR:

Ignore (disrespectful)
Belittle, criticize
Command, demand

The negative message the receiver gets is:
“You think you are better than me.”

These attempts to direct the talker limit the discovery of useful information and block understanding. Typically, this “I don’t care about you; I care about me” attitude surfaces when (1) the listener doesn’t want to hear what is being said or (2) disagrees with what is being presented.

This behavior breeds power struggles. It increases stress and undermines rapport and trust. Conversely, encouraging the talker creates connecting and expands information.

The communication process is complicated enough without using the above counterproductive tactics. For most people, speaking is like breathing: we do it automatically without spending much time on how we do it. Mostly, we notice how other people are lacking in good communication skills.

Observe your communication patterns. In which situations do you curtail communications? There’s no need to feel bad about it; just be aware of it. Know that it’s OK to stop in mid-sentence, and say, “I don’t want to say it like that. Let me begin again.”

Too often we think successfully communicating means that we’ve converted the other to our way of thinking. If you set it up that way, you’ll experience much disappointment. Consider this instead: you are successful when you are respectful in the delivery of your message, for another’s consideration.

Best-

Barbara McRae, MCC
Teen Parenting Expert, Campus Calm

[For more information on how to effectively get beyond communication hurdles, refer to “Coach Your Teen to Success.” Visit www.amazon.com]

Be Happy Anyway
By Barbara McRae, MCC

Parents often find it challenging to stop worrying so much. Their focus tends to be on what doesn’t seem to be meeting their expectations or what awful thing might happen in the future.

Let’s take Sharon’s example; she’s a mom of three teens. She’s intellectually sharp and has a need to be highly organized. Two of her kids share this trait, but the youngest one, Henry, doesn’t. Sharon was accustomed to the smoothness of life with her older children and wondered where she had gone wrong with her youngest child.

Sharon feels unhappy and terribly disappointed in her son. He’s forgetful and needs to be given very specific instructions and still, he just didn’t seem to “get it.” He’s always been a high-maintenance kid. She thought he’d grow out of it, but now that he’s a teenager, he’s actually gotten more difficult. She doesn’t want to keep “mothering him” and worries that his poor organizational skills will keep him from getting the grades he needs to get through college and become gainfully employed.

Henry sees it differently. He thinks his mom is too critical, rule-bound, too detailed, and a perfectionist. His feedback shocked and troubled her, causing her to reach out for coaching. In addition to working with Henry on how to minimize his seeming weakness, mom and I began by exploring how to be happy right now instead of delaying happiness until everything in her life is exactly the way she thinks it ought to be.

Holidays can be even tough on families. There’s so much pressure to get along and fit into a Norman Rockwell painting. Enjoying each other’s company is easier when we stay focused on what we can appreciate about each person.

ACTION STEP:
To bring more happiness into your current life, realize that happiness resides inside of you.
Your happiness is not dependent upon others. They cannot control you. Only you can do that! Your thoughts determine how you feel. You can choose to be happy right now. Begin noticing what you can feel happy about. If you haven’t cultivated this habit yet, it can feel strange at first. With practice, you’ll suddenly notice how much easier your life is when you’re feeling good.

Consider the statement, “Happy as a clam!” Why are clams naturally happy? What is it that they know that we don’t? Nature, in its wisdom, understands that it is far better to be in harmony with what may appear to be imperfect. Clams, like oysters, form layers of organic material over irritating grains sand. They don’t rage against the debris or fight to remove it—they simply align with it and coat it with a smooth substance that makes it easier to live with.

Clams know that this is a better strategy than struggle. Next time an irritation surfaces with another person or situation, see it as just a “clam thing,” take appropriate action, and keep smiling.

My best,

Barbara McRae, MCC
Teen Parenting Expert, Campus Calm

© Barbara McRae

Mute, Pause, and Play
By Barbara McRae, MCC

Do your teenagers disappoint you? Do you wonder, “How many times do we have to have this conversation?” If this describes you, it’s time for a change.

Rather than fall into your old pattern of speaking, hit the mute button to keep silent. Give yourself some space to think things through and use a new approach.

Muting yourself gives you all sorts of advantages; here are some of them:

1. You’ll keep yourself from using words that trigger more negative feelings.

2. You’ll become more aware of what’s going on for you, internally, and what you need to do for yourself. (How has your breathing or heartbeat changed?)

3. You’ll calm down to be fully present in order to think more rationally.

4. You’ll remember to turn this situation into a learning opportunity in order to facilitate growth.

5. You’ll enhance your ability to listen to what others are saying before you formulate your reply. Stay focused on your teen’s perspective.

6. You’ll practice acquiring patience to identify your options, not acting on impulse.

7. You’ll encourage others to use silence for their own self-awareness.

Getting comfortable with silence is not the same as giving someone the “silent treatment.” Rather, you’ll exhibit a deep caring for yourself and the other person.

Select “pause” for yourself when “counting to ten” isn’t long enough for you to feel in command of yourself. It’s much better to say, “Look, I really want to talk this through with you, and I’ll need more time. Let’s talk about it again at (pick a time and place).

In the meantime, use your pause to ask yourself:

• What is my preferred outcome?

• How might this situation impact my teen in ten years?

• How does what I want fit with what my teen needs/wants?

• What have I done in the past? What worked and what didn’t?

• What will I do differently this time?

Instead of experiencing situations that cause you to feel powerless, you can adopt new perspectives, expand your options, and discover that you are in command of yourself. Sure, letting go of the old unproductive ways can be challenging at first, but also highly invigorating.

After you’ve paused to regroup and rehearse your new approach, resume your conversation. You’re ready to hit “play!”

My best,

Barbara McRae, MCC
Teen Parenting Expert, Campus Calm

© Barbara McRae

Strategies for Staying Calm
By Barbara McRae, MCC

One of my clients, we’ll call her JoAnn, has two teenagers. She asked me to help her say “No” calmly. She tends to avoid any kind of possible conflict, and when she is faced with one, she gets highly stressed, belaboring the point until the message is lost.

It’s natural that a conflict can arise when someone wants you to say “Yes” and you say “No.” This is especially the case with teenagers that haven’t yet learned how to be respectful of your role as parent-coach. In this role, you have the responsibility to choose what’s best given the
situation at hand.

For example, if you give in to your underage teen’s request to make beer or wine available for a party they’re having, you’d be seen as a pushover. Teens don’t respect pushovers even when they end up getting what they want. Further, you’d be shirking your parental duties. If you refuse the request, be prepared for complaints, including “You never let me do anything. I hate you!” Here’s how you can minimize the friction.

The best strategy I’ve found is known as the “sandwich” technique. It consists of three statements. (1) Acknowledge the other person’s statement (viewpoint). This validates them and they feel heard which allows for more willingness to hear you.(2) State the reason for your refusal and the reason why you will not or cannot comply with your teen’s wishes. (3) Add what you will do instead or can say to ease their disappointment.

Example:

1. I know you think it would be a lot more fun to have booze at your party. And that you want me to get it for you.

2. I have an obligation as a parent to keep you safe and not contribute to illegal activity. I’d rather have you think of me as being over-protective than to go along with you and then live with the guilt if someone ended up getting killed as a result of drinking and driving at your party.

3. It’s important for us to responsible. I know you care about your friends and wouldn’t want anything like that to happen to them.

Keep your statements short. Lecturing teens doesn’t work. A calm caring tone and a centered disposition will help you effectively deliver this message. If you start to lose command of your emotions, stop talking. Excuse yourself, terminating the conversation until you regroup.

If your teen is still not hearing your message, use the “broken record” technique. You simply repeat your message lovingly during your dialog, as often as it takes for your message to stick.

Know that you’ve been successful when the words leave your mouth. Don’t expect your teens to give you the satisfaction of agreeing with you. That’s much more likely to happen when they’re in their twenties!

Best-
Barbara McRae, MCC
Teen Parenting Expert, Campus Calm
© Barbara McRae

Unforgettable Impact
By Barbara McRae, MCC

For many in the U.S., this week marks the return to school for our kids, reminding us of our experiences. In addition to remembering some awkward teenage moments, you’ll likely recall the instructors who’ve made a profound impact. Who were these teachers for you and how did their influence help shape your future?

I fondly remember several teachers who made an unforgettable impact, starting with Miss Fisher in the 4th grade to Econ Professor MacCallister in college. What I remember most about Miss Fisher was her ability to toggle between being gentle and firm, depending upon each student and their specific needs. She was my hero and I wanted to emulate her.

In my freshman year at college, Mac (that’s what we called him) had a reputation of being both the best and toughest professor on campus. I can still clearly recall an impromptu conversation near the college library. First, I was impressed that he greeted me by name, unlike most professors. But that wasn’t all. He asked, “How’s it going?” I said, “Great, except for YOUR class.”

Mac wisely explained that we each have our own set of talents and that it’s important to value our uniqueness. He added that I no doubt could run circles around him in other areas of study. Wow! Not only did he treat me as an equal, no educator had ever said that to me before!

I felt deeply validated by his remark. It encouraged me to continue doing my best work even in a field that wasn’t “natural” for me. I ended up surprising myself by achieving a B minus and subsequently an A minus in economics.

As parents we wish that all teachers could be this inspiring to our children. And while it is clear that our teachers need help and our school systems need a makeover, let’s focus on what we can do right now. Consider the powerful impact that parents have on their kids.

ACTION STEP:

How is parenting similar to teaching? Here are some of the best practices teachers and parents have in common:

1. They are enthusiastic about their role (parent, teacher, or coach) and bring the best part of themselves to the table.

2. They are clear about their teaching goals are and recognize how to turn everyday experiences into a learning opportunity.

3. They model respectful, approachable, and empowering behavior.

4. They articulate expectations of behavior and identify clear boundaries in advance prior to enforcing consequences.

5. They acknowledge individual differences and celebrate them.

Be on the look-out for opportunities to motivate and empower kids. If you’ve noticed that your child loves to journal or writes poetry, say something like: “That’s a great talent you have!” or “Your writing is something that makes you so special,” with no strings attached.

Stay away from: “I wish you would write more!” or “You really should do something with that writing ability of yours.” While well-intentioned, this phrasing can easily be taken as a criticism of not doing enough (and therefore not being enough as a person), resulting in de-motivation.

Parents like teachers often won’t precisely know the result of how they’ve shaped or inspired a child. You might never receive acknowledgment for all that you’ve done. Will that stop you from doing it? I hope not.

As nice as it is to receive appreciation, you’ll still know, on the inside, that you did a great job in preparing your kids for a successful life and have contributed to making our society a better place.

Best-

Barbara McRae, MCC
Teen Parenting Expert, Campus Calm
© Barbara McRae