Yet another two weeks have gone by. I’m sorry I was absent last Saturday; I had a long, incredibly busy week. On the bright side, it was a long, happy busy week. So to be perfectly honest, I’m still not used to writing in blogs, it makes me feel super awkward and self-conscious, as if someone’s watching me fixing my hair in the mirror or something. You know, that feeling. But today, I actually have quite a bit to share.
At the present moment, I am sitting in a very, very nice house babysitting some very, very well-mannered kids who are currently watching a movie. I could not have asked for a better job. I mean, get paid to visit with lovely youngsters and do my homework? Yes please! Today has been quite busy, and it’s nice to relax. As I sit here, I chanced upon a Word document from last semester titled “free”. It is something of a computer-based diary. I used to write on that document when I was feeling lost, when I used to suffer from depression. On it contains my deepest and most honest entries, each of which convey an utterly open sense of emotion that is almost hard to read. However, looking back at it, I feel a sense of calm wash over me, as if my past self is present, telling me that right now, right here is where I am supposed to be. I once got a card from my parents that said “Wherever you are, God circled that spot on the map for you”. Although this entry is incredibly personal, I’m going to share it with you, maybe because you can relate; maybe because it will help you understand that emotions come and go, and that everyone has a peace within them that has the potential to take you where you’re supposed to be. Anyways, for better or for worse, here it is:
Sometimes I really can’t believe it, I have come this far with so much to give and so much given to me, and there’s a hole the size of Africa in my chest that has all the destructive power of ten tsunamis. Slowly wiping away all the passion and love that I know I have. I know it’s there, because I can feel it. It’s here, gingerly trying to extend itself through my fingertips onto this white blank page. My eyes come into focus; why am I wasting my time? My writings only make things seem more morbid and depressing than they really are, because I am only compelled to write when I’m feeling hopeless and like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, pardon the cliché. It doesn’t help that I’m listening to the Suburbs by Arcade Fire either. So perfectly it describes how I feel, everything about it. It’s painful to listen to, so why do I listen to it? Maybe so that just once I can really know myself, because, however much I want to deny it, I have a sadness within me and I swear to God I’m going to sit in the sunlight until it’s completely soaked through with warmth and calm consideration of the beautiful things the world is made of. I’m just feeling so utterly confused, because I truly feel full of love of all compassionate things in that I am a compassionate being capable of great things. My pale, delicate hands with chipped nail polish are my voice, more so than the words I speak that fail to express the emotions that flood my body
So I’ll just sit, here in my puddle of sadness looking up into the great expanse of sky that I know looks down upon Georgetown Texas, at a girl that feels ever so lost as she holds on to the compassion that causes her so much pain. One day, love will prevail for me, and fear will leave my life like dewdrops evaporate in the sun.
I know, not exactly your regular pick-me up blog entry. I apologize for that. However, this entry is incredibly important in that it sheds light upon how I am now. The fear that I used to have has left my life, and I am grateful for the people in my life that have made it so incredibly wonderful. I truly believe that everyone, absolutely everyone has the potential to overcome any obstacle. College life can be a real challenge, regardless of who you are, whether or not you’re in Greek life, your GPA…It is a time in which everything is questioned, everything changes. It’s wonderful, yet challenging, and the only way to live it is to embrace it fully, to help others, and to respect yourself. If you’re going through a hard time, or you may feel lost and embarrassed about it, simply remember that there are so, so many people that feel lost at certain times, and even more that overcome it. It is the challenging times in our lives that come to shape our strength, our ability to be compassionate. In this way, they are blessings.
Even more, there are wonderful people out there like Maria Pascucci, who foster values of womanly independence and strength that so few seem to give enough credit to. As is expounded upon in Maria’s Campus LeadHer Success Kit, one does not have to be perfect to be a leader, to be a role model, to be happy. One simply has to recognize the mutual compassion shared between all people, and to live life in a proactive, not reactive, and inspired way. Everyone can be a leader, and any woman can be a LeadHer.
Once again, I’ll leave you with a quote!
“We cannot help it if the bird of sorrow flies over our head, but we can prevent it from nesting in our hair”.
Until next Saturday,
LeadHer™ Intern, Campus Calm™
Learn more about Lily here.