Avoid a family feud when planning for college
Planning for college can be stressful enough without adding parent-teen angst in the equation! Here are some tips on how to handle some potentially difficult situations
By Kristy Jackson
article courtesy of Next Step Magazine

When the countdown to college begins, the pressure and deadlines can strain even the best family relationships. You and your parents should watch out for these potential conflict areas.

Time bomb 1: Clashes over colleges and courses
Before you know it, you’ll be up to your ears in college planning materials.

“The college admission process is all-consuming for families,” says Judy Anderson, a partner with College to Career, a consulting firm in suburban Minneapolis.

You may soon discover that you and your parents have very different ideas about which college you should attend and what you should study. It’s important to discuss your differences. Your parents might be able to help you see other factors in a college choice, or you might convince them of another school’s worthiness.

“Where you go to college does not guarantee success,” reminds Anderson. It’s what you do with your education that matters most.

Parent tip: There are lots of terrific universities. Help your student explore the possibilities. Remember, getting into college is the easy part, but getting out with a degree is what matters. If your student is excited about their coursework and campus, there’s a greater chance they will succeed.

Time bomb 2: Misunderstandings about money
As you’ve probably heard, there is a magic formula that indicates what your family is expected to put toward college.

“It’s fairly common that a family can’t or won’t be able to pay,” says Helen Nunn, director of financial aid at Susquehanna University in Selinsgrove, Pa. Talk to your parents about money now. Don’t wait until the first bill is due to discover they can’t pay as much as you hoped. The earlier you can start your search for funding, the better.

Before you decide to cover your tuition with college loans and credit cards, consider getting a job. According to Nunn, students who work during college tend to be more organized and earn better grades. If you work on campus, your boss will probably let you work around your class schedule. “A job on campus can be like a home away from home,” says Nunn. “It’s nice to know that someone on campus knows you and is looking out for you.”

Parent tip: Discuss money now. Help your student find a job and open a banking account. Teach him how to use credit wisely so he doesn’t impact his ability to get loans later on.

Time bomb 3: Difficulties with details and deadlines
According to Michael Alexander, chairman of Student Financial Aid Services in Davis, Calif., “One error on the FAFSA could keep you from attending your college of choice.”

Don’t let that error be missing your school’s financial aid deadlines. Check to see if additional financial aid forms are required by the colleges you’re considering, and keep a calendar of deadlines in a prominent place.

If you need your parents to complete certain paperwork, let them know immediately. Don’t wait until the last minute to ask for help.

Parent tip: Your teen has a ton of work to do right now. Look for ways to lighten the load. Doing simple things like making copies, running to the post office or pulling information from a few Web sites can demonstrate your support. Don’t admonish them if they take a day off now and then…after all, they’re human!

College is just around the corner, and the clock is already ticking. Make plans now so that a college education can become your reality. And remember, as hard as it gets, there are people available to help you every step of the way.

~ David Mammano, College Planning Expert, Campus Calm

Why do you want to go to college?
Before you can figure out what to do in college, you must first ask why
By: Simon Sinek
article courtesy of Next Step Magazine

“Where do I want to go to college?” is the less daunting cousin to the larger, related question, “What do I want to do for the rest of my life?”

First, you have to ask yourself why you want to do what you plan to do.

When you ask yourself what you want to do, you have no option but to start running through lists of things you like or things you think might be appealing.

That’s like trying to answer a fill-in-the-blank question on a test by running through everything you know. You might get to the answer, but it may take you so long that you may never get to the next question.

If this one question causes so much stress to so many people, then it’s worth trying to attack the question from a different perspective.

There is a concept called the Golden Circle that might help. Let me explain.

Starting from the outside-in, every one of us knows what we do. You know the classes you take and the things you do outside of school. Some know how they do it. But very few people can clearly explain why they do what they do.

By why, I don’t mean “to get good grades” or “to make money.” Those are results. By why, I mean what’s your purpose, cause or belief? Why do you get out of bed in the morning, and why should anyone care?

We rarely, if ever, consider why we do things beyond tangible results like grades and money.

Here’s an example of someone who asked “why” first.

Steve Jobs, founder and CEO of Apple, didn’t go into the computer business. He went into business to challenge the status quo and give individuals the ability to stand up to Big Brother. The computer is just what he used to do it.

If you look at all the things Apple says and does, it all goes back to their why.

Just look at their advertising, for example. If Apple were like everyone else, they would say, “We make great computers.” That’s what they do. That’s not very compelling.

But this is: “Everything we do, we believe in challenging the status quo. We believe in thinking differently. The way we challenge the status quo is by making our products beautifully designed, simple to use and user-friendly. We just happen to make great computers.”

If you believe what Apple believes, the second version is much more powerful because it starts with why.

The college you choose is the same as the computer is to Apple. It is one of the things you will do to bring your why to life.

The college you choose should be a direct reflection of who you are. Choose the colleges that feel right, and start your search by asking, “Why?”

-Simon Sinek (simonsinek.com) teaches leaders and companies how to inspire people. He works with big and small companies, government, military, nonprofits and schools. Check out his book, Start With Why (startwithwhy.com).

~ David Mammano, College Planning Expert, Campus Calm

My wish for all graduating students this year is that you take time to thank yourselves for all your hard work, and reflect on how far you’ve come. Yes, I know you have to find a job in a tough job market, and look ahead to the next chapter in your lives, which can be both exciting and scary. Just remember that it’s empowering to take a deep breath, face the world in the present moment, and scream, “I did it!” In the words of a wise educator who said to me when I was a pressured, stressed-out new college graduate, “You did it! You graduated. You have nothing left to prove.” You have nothing to prove to anyone. The future will work itself out one day at a time, one goal at a time and one choice at a time. It’s your choice to chase YOUR dreams and create your unique vision of a happy, purposeful life. Just remember to celebrate every small success along the way. Congratulations, you did it!

~ Maria Pascucci, Founder & President, Campus Calm

Difficult Teachers: How to Deal
By Barbara McRae, MCC

Most teachers chose their field because they really wanted to make a difference in the lives of children. The best not only want kids to learn their lessons and complete their homework, they also want to contribute to their students’ future success. But there is so much more going on at school behind the grades on the report card.

When hearing complaints from kids, parents often fall into one of two camps: either they automatically take their kid’s side or that of the teacher. Follow these tips instead.

Get the Entire Story
There are always two sides. Use your parent coach communication tools to get at what really happened. To do this well, remember to stay calm to keep from over-reacting. It will help you to distinguish between what’s the teacher’s responsibility and what is the responsibility of your child.

Focus on the Solution
Determine whether this situation is one that your child can handle with your guidance or if you need to get directly involved. Keep in mind that in most interactions each person contributes to the situation.

Develop a Game Plan
Whether your child feels ready to handle the situation or he or she wants you to be an advocate, plan your approach together. It strengthens your relationship and provides a valuable learning opportunity for how to handle difficult people they’re likely to encounter.

During this process you can help your kids cultivate better relationships with all of their educators. They appreciate it when their students…

~ are prepared for class by having completed their assignment and show their interest in the subject by asking well thought out questions

~ are polite, respectful and show their appreciation. Teachers rarely get recognized for the long hours they spend in the classroom and at home correcting papers

~ ask them for their advice on how to do even better in class; then apply it going forward

On the other hand, some teachers turn their students off. They are quick to point out mistakes and even harp on them. When feedback fails to be constructive, a student’s level of confidence will wane. In extreme cases, some teachers repeatedly ridicule certain kids in their classes.

We’ve heard quite a few stories in the news lately, instances when a teacher really crossed the line with one of their students, and the outrage was felt across the country.

If you’ll be talking with the teacher, guidance counselor and/or principal, here are some things you can do to prepare for your meeting.

Review your Talking Points
Describe the situation based on the information you currently have from your child’s viewpoint. Don’t bring up any rumors about what might have happened to other classmates. If you believe other kids are experiencing similar situations, network with their parents and encourage them to bring it to the teacher or to the school’s attention.

Show up with an Open Mind and be Respectful
Be willing to listen to another viewpoint and make reasonable requests. Use a professional tone. If you feel that the meeting isn’t going well, refuse to get into a shouting match. Terminate the meeting to reassess your next step.

Keep a Log
If your teen is doing all he or she can but continues to have problems with the teacher, record the facts and date of each incident. You will need these records to prove that the problem is ongoing and that it has not improved. It will also make it easier to remember the exact details of each incident if you write it all down right after it happens.

Take it to the Next Level, if Necessary
If you’re still lacking a satisfactory solution, get the principal involved. If the teacher’s behavior crosses the line into abuse get help right away. Hitting, swearing, ridiculing, and bullying students should not be tolerated. Immediately go to the principal. No student should be in danger at school.

Dealing with difficult people is part of life. How you handle this situation and yourself can prepare your son or daughter for adult life. In the end, your teen will come out stronger on the other side of it.

My best,
Barbara

Barbara McRae, MCC
Teen Parenting Expert, Campus Calm

© Barbara McRae

Instructions that Lead to Success
By Barbara McRae, MCC

As parents with teens, don’t you get frustrated when you think you have the right words, but your kids stare at you blankly? Or even worse, they say OK but then don’t perform the task in the way you were hoping for …

Whether you’re trying to get your preteen or teenager to rinse the dishes or wash the car to your satisfaction, you can get better results when you communicate clearly. To do this well, you’ll need to first identify the current level of your child’s ability to perform the task. Ask yourself the following question:

A. Has he/she done this task well enough before? Yes.

If YES, then specifically mention what was done successfully in the past and express your confidence in his/her ability to do it again.

If the answer is yes BUT you detect an attitude of not wanting to do the task, then you’ll need to emphasize why you’re counting on him or her to do it. If the attitude persists, make sure your tone transmits empathy to draw out the underlying issues and trouble-shoot together.

B. Has he/she done this task well enough before? No.

If NO, your son or daughter has not yet done the task the way you’d like it done, then you’ll need to take the time to clearly outline the how-to’s. The challenge here is to stay positive while methodically going through the steps in order to get your standards met.

Afterwards check for understanding before you turn the task over to your child. This means, pretend you don’t know how to do the task, and have your teenager show you. This is an effective way to catch potential trouble-spots (i.e. you’ve forgotten to give enough information or your child wasn’t listening carefully enough to your instructions.)

Keep in mind that if you don’t communicate clearly, the chances are high something will get messed-up again. You’ll also want to follow up after the task has been completed to offer your thanks and/or provide further guidance.

Now some of you might be thinking that this sounds like it would take a lot of time and you could be right. Let’s compare taking a little extra time to ensuring your young person will learn to do a good job vs. abruptly requesting a task be done without providing adequate information. Is having the task done successfully now (and in the future) worth spending a little extra time upfront? I think so.

Also, if you’re short with your children, they are more likely to assume that you think they’re stupid for not already understanding what you meant. In that case, they’re more likely to live up to your low expectations of them. Better to view this situation as a teaching moment rather than an annoyance.

How to communicate effectively:

1. Make sure you have all the information you need. Know your standards. Are they realistic? Then, break the task down into specific pieces or stages. Thinking through the instructions ahead of time will help you be clear and concise.

2. Determine whether you’ve seen your son or daughter do the task well. Yes or No? If yes, have your child do the task and express your appreciation. Once a person knows how and does it consistently well, you can even be open to innovative ideas for doing the task in the future.

3. Be willing to teach. If your child has never done the task or is still struggling, be patient, give step-by-step direction, and ask probing questions to see where you can be of assistance during his/her learning curve. Acknowledge progress. Don’t just focus on the short-comings.

Each child has their own unique needs. If you know your child’s natural learning styles: visual, auditory, or kinesthetic (hands-on), incorporate them to aid getting your point across.

You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much easier it will be to speak clearly and effectively now that you have the tools to attain positive results.

My best,
Barbara

~ Barbara McRae, Teen Parenting Expert, Campus Calm